Single

Well here I am 29 years old, still single....as usual. Mostly it's really fine until I come to evenings like these where I sit....alone...reading....watching a chick flick Bridget Jones' Diary to be exact....and drinking wine....alone. Most of my friends and co-workers (read all of them) are no longer single. One in fact just got married this last weekend. It was great to see all my friends again, and watch and share in the happiness of the beginning of a new marriage. I have to wonder though that when you get into a relationship it's almost as I would imagine what it is to have a child, write a dissertation, or have surgery, after a few years you forget what it was before any of that happened...the emotions you felt and the motions you went through. In the case of being single from time to time it's a overwhelming sense of vastness, aloneness, that your married friends just don't seem to relate to. A feeling of being shut out. Now of course rationally I know that relationships are no safe harbor in a tulmultous sea of existence. Each of us bonded to somone or not still have wants, desires, feelings of lonliness. I know that there ahve been times even in my own life where I have felt more alone than I do now while standing right in the middle of a relationship. As I've gotten older as most single people do I think I once in awhile give note to a struggle between hope of being with someone and the desire to become apathatic and completely jaded to that notion. I know I know I'm only 29.....blah blah blah....but next year I will be 30...and then 31....and then....

Marriage: As explained by my friend Joe

It's been shown that men who marry live longer, where as women who stay single live longer than those who get married, which is why men give a woman a diamond at marriage, it's like payment for sucking the soul out of you.

Capitalism + Internet

Looking for Serial Killer Items?
Find exactly what you want today.
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There is something just alittle to cheery and marketable about this ad.

Why is this so hard?

This morning the power went out at my house. I probably wouldn't have even noticed had my fan (we have no AC) not turned off and my cell phone beeped. You know you'd think electricity and providing it to homes for a solid sixty years would be a fairly simple thing to fix but no not really because I can't even seem to make it through all the menus to talk to someone about it....

First I called T-Mobile to get the number for our Nstar our energy provider. The first statement made at T-Mobile is, please press 1 for english, primero numero dos por espanol. THIS ANNOYS THE FUCK OUT OF ME!!!! We speak english here god damnit!! Did I mention it was early, and that I had no caffiene, and I was watching ice cream melt in the refrigerator? How tempted was I to press numero dos, just for the sheer entertainment of it....anyway

T-mobile gave me a 1-800 number for Nstar, which they did not connect me to. For some reason which I haven't cared enough to ask T-mobile does not make connections to 1-800 numbers for you....annoying!

On my way to work I called the 1-800 number (that I wrote in blood on my passenger side window). Once again I was asked for an english or spanish option, shouldn't you only have to answer the question once a day, can't it just carry over to all services you communiciate with, you know like it use to in the fifties. :-)

The NStar recorded message informs me that I will have 7 options to choose from as follows: If this is an emergency please hang up and call 911 (no shit huh?) If you have a street light out please press one (who reports street lights out?) If the power seems to be off at your residence please press two (seems to be out? It's out you motherfuckers, I can clearly tell that even without my advanced degree in electrical engineering. Remember no caffiene :-)) So I press two in which Nstar informs me that all calls may be recorded for quality assurance (this is great because usually this indicates that I may be talking to a human being relatively soon). Next the recorded message tells me to check the circuit breaker in my house and to flip it if i haven't noticed my neighbors electricity also being out. Hmm it's 7am there is no way of telling if my neighbors electricity is out (alhtough I would bet it is) and I'm not driving back to my house to reset the circuit breaker. Luckily the message continued "if you've already tried to reset the circuit breaker press 1." Hell if they can ask me to select between english and spanish I can definately lie and say I reset the circuit breaker. It's at this point that I am thinking there is going to be light at the end of the tunnel. Oh silly me for having hope. The next nstar message asked me to enter my telephone number and/or account number..........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK! I of course had neither of those on my person on the way to work. *sigh* It was at that point with all will to live drained out of me that I hung up and just hoped that soon my roomate would wake up sweating (no fans on anymore) in t-minus 20 minutes and take care of the problem. So much for trying to resolve a problem more proactively. I was tempted to call 911, I think it would have gone something like this:

911: 911 emergency what is your emergency?
me: T-mobile keeps speaking to me in spanish, and the Nstar menus are too complicated.
911: Ma'am that is not an emergency.
me: No but dealing with this shit before 8am with no caffiene is. :-)

Tempting....

Two nine

Another birthday is here and passed....what is it about getting older that makes time seem more surreal. How do birthday's become the mundane in life even though the child in all of us wishes for a big deal. My family is pretty big on birthday's and celebrating. More so I am finding out than many people and other families I have encounterd. And really to be honest I'm kinda glad about that. It's nice to be celebrated as a person amoung the people who love you. In life as we all search for ourselves and where we belong, there is this one thing that is atleast comforting and feeding to that....when someone recognizes your birthday....they recognize you as a person in the world searching for the same things we all look for from others, love, happiness, non-judgement, acceptance. As the next year continues I think I will strive for more acceptance of others....as that seems to be which I search for myself the most.

Friends 4ever

One of my good friends and her man are in Europe for the next ten days....I miss them. :-(

Working with geeks

Overheard today at work:

"It's a good song, it's just the lyrics that I don't really care for."

Need I say more?

I hate the pants that I'm wearing today

Sometimes you just feel stuck in life, like all you're doing is spending time going through the motions with no change, no dreams, and nothing to look forward to. I know we all go through these sort of life cycles, but all the raional in the world can't really make me not be in the muck of it right now.

I want to make a change, but I'm not sure how or what change to make exactly. There are times when I just want to say fuck it, pack up all my stuff and just go home and hide for awhile, burden my family for awhile, but then this intrinsic responsibility side kicks in and stops me. I hate that.

A friend of mine jokingly tells me "never happy" but maybe that is more true than I want to admit. I think sometimes I'd be happy if this or this or this, sometimes I do actually feel happy in a moment, and I can definately feel happy for others, but I rarely can say that I'm happy about many things or even sometimes a few things in my own life.

blah....this was all spurned by the fact that I really hate the pants I'm wearing today.

Into the woods

I called my father today and told him that I went camping last night. He got a good solid laugh on the phone for about 5 minutes. Not because I'm necessarily the girl who is too girly to go camping, but more because when I use to go camping with him I followed him around the tent with a dustbuster. Hey I was 10 what did you want from me? I had to entertain myself somehow. :-) So yea I went camping this weekend, and you know it was fun. It was nice to do something just completely different from the norm and out of my element. I met up with my friend Jake and we hiked out into a Massachusetts state forest near where his parents live. We hiked only about 2 miles with a day's worth of food and water, our sleeping bags and a tent. We built a fire and roasted hot dogs and marshmellows. It hasn't been since I was a child that I had done all of that. Jake told campfire stories about bigfoot and what they call "har" up here. Basically a bigfoot type creature that runs around screaming "haaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrr!" So many things I could say to this, but really is it necessary, ya'll can use your imagination. :-)

Of course the next morning I kinda realized why it has been so long, as my entire body was sore from laying on the ground, not too mention I forgot how incredibly cold about 40 degree weather is when you're sleeping out in it :-). The best thing about camping I was reminded of was coming home and taking a shower and a nap in my own bed. I don't know how people did it during the great move west, sleeping on the ground from place to place, I'm sure their bodies were much more adjusted. As my father told me "we've grown soft." Soft or not I still had a great time, and another memory has been created.

Does he think it went as well as I did?

Ok, so I had a drink (or 3) on Friday night with a boy, er guy, er person of the opposite sex. How I met this guy is actually kinda weird karma crazy, but that's not what I want to talk about today. I like this guy, I mean he is way cool. So cool that I actually started to pick up words that I swore SWORE I would NEVER utter, such as "wicked". Yea I said it 3 times that night, and you know what they say something about emulation being the biggest form of flattery, I apparently was all about it.

This is what I've come to realize though about dating...the worst part is never the pre-game, nor the actual date itself. It's this whole ether after that you enter into waiting. You're waiting to know does this person really like you, will they continue to like you, were they just faking that whole 6 hours they chose to hang out with you. Were they just humoring you when you turned up to kiss them. Yea what the fuck man, I mean really I feel like I'm 15 all over again continuely for DAYS!

It's obvious that I like him as I am now obsessing about this like a silly girl. Analyzing every moment that happened between us, looking for any sign of disinterest so I can run run run away and say see I told you so. :-p

Change of subject

I'm only writing this post because I was tired of coming here and seeing that stupid post about my mother. Currently my life feels like a blur of just regular days one right after another.

On a positive note (I know right stand back)...my aerobics instructor complimented me after class on Monday saying my "range of motion and flexibility have really improved." So that's pretty cool, it was a nice compliment and somewhat better than the usual, oh you've lost weight you look great. Not that I don't mind those either. :-)

So something to look forward to telling all the men in my life....wait....

Mother

My mother has just left after spending a week here in New England. What is it about mothers that are a joy to have and at the same time annoying to have visit. It's amazing to me that no matter how old I get there is a component of our relationship that never changes. She still thinks she knows what's best, she still tells me what to do, and she still freely gives me her opinions about my hair, clothes, appearance, lifestyle, . But I guess this is what we expect from our mothers too.

My mother did bring a certain interesting story with her this time taken out of eastern philosophy. I'm not sure where she came up with this, as my mother is a pretty traditional baptist Texan, but the story she talked about was interesting and i was proud of her for kind of stepping out of her bounds. This was the story she relayed to me:

"One day some people came to the master and asked: How can you be happy in a world of such impermanence, where you cannot protect your loved ones from harm, illness or death? The master held up a glass and said: Someone gave me this glass; It holds my water admirably and it glistens in the sunlight. I touch it and it rings! One day the wind may blow it off the shelf, or my elbow may knock it from the table. I know this glass is already broken, so I enjoy it -- incredibly." (Theravandan Meditation Master) - Achaan Chah Subato

At first when she told me this I really didn't think about it much, but since then I've been thinking about it nearly constantly. That the moment that you buy something or engage in something or begin something it is broken, or finished, or ending. This idea resonates powerfully for me, as sometimes I find myself so involved with trying to keep it new, fresh, to find the meaning or to understand, that I immobilize myself. So I have found if I can figure out how to accept that the cup is already broken the moment I buy it or come in contact with it, maybe I can find freedom in that. Freedom from feeling so trapped and sad by so many things in life that don't seemingly work out...even though many times it turns out to be a blessing. Freedom in the realization that things never remain the same, and although hard for I think many of us to accept really is a way to be more at peace knowing that the moment we aqure the cup it is already broken and we are then free to enjoy it for what it is in the time that we have it. Perhaps even more so than we once would have before having that realization.

On vacation

Overheard at work this morning while a co-worker described his recent vacation

"You know there is only so much drinking, and laying around in the sun you can do...."

Ummmmm....NO THERE ISN'T.....

Yankees... *rolling my eyes*

Morning Conversations

It's nearly 1am, I can't sleep because my brain refuses to shut off, I instigate the following online conversation with my friend Jon:

Me: where is the off switch?
Jon: In the medicine cabinet
Me: are you sure it's not in the liquor cabinet?
Jon: All depends on if you're planning to turn it back on
Me: oh right
Me: actually I think that would probably involve more of a Jamaica Plain* type deal

Jamaica Plain for those of you not familiar with the finer of New England areas is as you might imagine the understood "hood" of the area.

Hmm I wonder if I will find this post not so entertaining tomorrow and want to delete it altogether

Role Models

You know I find that fashion is an interesting genre, actually I find to be not so interesting. Most things that are so subjective I find total lack of interest in because I find that it is those things that stifle others of their own inviduality, curiousity and experimentation. Which frankly is tragic.

Recently the Olsen twins have been selected a fashion representatives for the Badgley Mischka ad campaign, I found the following quote somehwat laughable:

"The designers said the 19-year-old actresses "reflect the younger, edgier and more sensual glamour that we have incorporated in our latest fall collection.""

You mean they reflect the younger, sickly looking, waifer, no curves, no boobs, anorexic toting glamour that seems to be ALL the rage these days. Great role models! *sigh*

In which I rant, you rant, we all rant

If you've ever sat around and wondered why the world hates us (the good ole US of A), I think one ought not look further than American Idol. For the 12 millionth season now, I have been sucked into the revolving door of a car crash that is the first two weeks of American Idol. Seriously, what are these people THINKING?! Wait, wait, wait, let me stop right there, you see this is my problem, I think everyone MUST be thinking SOMETHING, when in reality I think the first two weeks of American Idol are really just one big race to retardism.

You know back in the eighties when they use to do those "don't do drugs" commercials with the frying pan and 2 eggs, yea come on you remember. The frying pan sizzling with yummy succulent bacon grease...mmm bacon. "This is drugs!!" The cracking of two fresh from the chicken loins eggs into the pan. "This is your brain on drugs" Crack sizzle pop....mmm breakfast. No see WHAT THEY SHOULD have had to discourage drug use in the eighties was a forward looking american idol tryouts. "if you do drugs your kids will turn out to be these RETARDS in front of ALL of AMERICA." Eh what am I saying, neither one of those commercials would have prevented drugs.

We are so totally fucked.

UPDATED SIDE NOTE: I ran a spell check on this post and it caught the word succlent mis-spelled (I spelled it with only 1 c), the alternate choice the checker gave me: Swaizeland. WHAT THE FUCK?! The retardism it is spreading! *sigh*

The obvious, not so obvious

A friend of mine sent me a link to wikipedia, about an internet slang word w00t. This of course led me to look up other internet slang words like l33t.

Leet however is apparently a translation language used in Hong Kong:

Original	Converted	Meaning
屌你阿媽	屌亻尔阝可女馬	Fuck your mother (vulgar)
硬膠仔	石更月翏亻子	Very stupid boy (vulgar)
不願作答	不原頁亻乍答	Not willing to answer it
鋪頭	金甫豆頁	A shop
仆街	亻卜彳圭亍	Fall down on the street (vulgar)

I love how they put the identifier (vulgar) next to fuck your mother, because perhaps it wasn't obvious.

Grace

Today I looked up the word grace in the dictionary.

It has 11 definitions....I'm sure there is irony in there somewhere.